So this blog starts out on a Friday afternoon while I find a spare moment to organize my thoughts. My fall schedule has started picking up and I juggle school, work, and sorority obligations. This blog is here to detail my insanity that I call life, and to follow the struggles and successes I have with my eating disorder. I’ve battled – and battled isn’t even the right word, since I often embrace the consistent discipline it gives me. I have been riding on the coattails of the unsteady losses and gains these past few years. I suppose I should give some background history on myself. As a high schooler, I was obese and miserable. I lost around 80 pounds on a monotony of a bland diet, exercise, and self-discipline. At that point I was addicted to running – miles and miles and miles a day.
As a newly thinner girl, I entered college with a more independent and outgoing side. I had always dreamed of rushing a sorority, but had never imagined in a million years that they would be interested in a tub of lard like me. I still had the image of 215 pounds in my head, but instead I was 135 and at 5’7, it must have looked okay. I rushed and got picked by my favorite one. The girls were gorgeous, slender and elegant. They wore expensive dresses and pearls. They had an air of class and were the elite on the college campus. I had little fashion sense other than jeans and casual tops, but they must have seen something in me. At first I suspected it was dollar signs (my father is well known for being successful), but these girls genuinely seemed interested in me.
Freshman year was a blur of drinking, frat boys, spending too much money and never finding the time to exercise. I gained back thirty pounds that I struggled with. Dropped twenty. Gained five. Over the next three years I have been as high as 170 and as low as 125. Instead of resorting to dieting and exercise, it became a binge/purge system with horrible self-loathing. I would starve and fast for a week before a big social event, fit into the dress and look like I was having fun, then put eight pounds on the next week. My relationships have played a big part of my struggle with my ED. Every time I got comfortable in a relationship, I would try to regain a normal eating pattern to somehow placate my beau. When they left me, I was destroyed…and fat. Again.
Now here I am, senior year of my college experience and embracing the restriction and exercise addiction once again. I am currently 153 pounds (I grimace to type that). Rush is starting for sorority in two weeks & classes started this week. I find myself thrust into a vicious cycle of starvation, social events, tanning, and schoolwork. I have perfect the smile that claims everything is fine behind it. And as I stand tonight with my sisters for an all-Greek event, I will be judged. I am not the thinnest – by far I might add, I am not the tannest, I do not have the whitest teeth, and my hair won’t be the longest. But things are changing. By the time we give out bids to new members, I will be less fat. Mark my words. I plan on using this blog to not only chronicle my chaotic life, but as an outlet that is an alternative to eating.
Think thin my lovelies,
GG
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